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"Come on back an' set a spell."

You citified folk are going, "Wha--?" Anybody born after 1970--? Oh, you might have heard-tell while taking in a rerun or Hollywood oldie. The Andy Griffith show is a treasure-trove of outdated Americana like porch-settin'. Perhaps you know it by a different name. According to our panel of expert [sic], "retiring to the veranda" and "having cocktails on the pah-tee-o" were invented to give Cary Grant something to say besides "Judy-Judy-Judy." His hard-won accent balked at "set," so they told him to say "loll" or "relax." That was fine, but martinis crossed the line. Any good setter will tell you to bring out frost-covered jelly glasses of lemonade or "asstea." Beer may be tolerated; likker ain't. Settin' is for catching up on Jo Schmo's shifting hairpiece and figuring out where the Big Dipper got off to, not getting wall-eyed, crashing through the rail and smushing Aint Idy's prize holly. Dawg punched the screen gettin' at a squirrel, got scratchin' an' wranglin' over the merits of the flyswatter vs Raid t'git done.

It is easier than you might think to get hooked on being assaulted by fern fronds and the scree-scraw of an unoiled swing. But these days, most of us are on the two C's. Gotta have our AC, gotta have our PC, right? So It's About Women hired a carpenter and told her to build a big ol’ porch and paint it white. Then we bought junque-shop rockers, swings, and a metal glider. Friends donated ferns to hang. Set yersef down and take a gander. Smell the roses and Cuz Pompous's pomade. Catch your breath, help us create a spell that will linger in a good way. But we might should warn you. Our lemonade's got a whang. Enough pulp and rind to keep the sugar from drawin' flies. Set, y'hear? SET. Scraw-tickle-scraw. . .